We have come into a new generation of not being the victim any longer. “Me too” resonated in my soul. You ask me how? Well let me explain how. I too was sexually assaulted, and it was swept under the carpet.
The first time I was assaulted I was 4 years old and I will never forget that day. I was assaulted by my babysitter’s husband who was in the marines. She knew what was going on and was in the other room when it was taking place. I was told that I was being punished and spanked for something I did and that is how little girls got spankings. I was scared I didn’t know what was going on and at the time we lived in North Carolina. My parents had split up. My dad was stationed at Fort Bragg and we lived in Raleigh because my mother was attending nursing school. I don’t think I ever told my mother what happened because she had enough on her plate dealing with my explosive dad with the divorce.
As a child growing up I would have flash backs of it. Asking myself what did I do so wrong to deserve this? What was god punishing me for? I had to find the reason behind it and why it continued to happen to me into my adult years.
I have been sexually assaulted by men over a dozen times in my life. Something I am not proud of and am looked down on to be honest. I became a totally different person because of it. When I was 16 I had a horrible flash back of the ordeal when my mom was going through another divorce with the man I had called daddy for 6 years. The man who showed me kindness and love when I needed it the most as a child. I think the divorce triggered a lot of emotions I had stuffed deep in my soul. That night I was frantic and was having horrible anxiety. My mom had gone out on a date and came home drunk and she walked into the door and I exploded with emotions and told her what had happened. She looked me directly in the eyes and said I knew what happened and there was nothing that could have been done about it then or now and walked away. I stood stun. How did she know? Why didn’t she get me help? I just went to my room and cried, I cried for days. I became closed in and shut people out. How can the person who was supposed to love me and protect just brush that off?
But I knew she didn’t care because this hadn’t been the first time I was sexually abused, and nothing was done. I had been abused several times after that, which my mom and family knew, and it was never talked about. I was just blamed for it happening.
My life became a mess. As a woman, mother and person. I made bad judgement call after judgement call. I became to the point I didn’t trust anyone in my life. I mean no one. Family, kids, friend you name it I didn’t trust anyone.
I had 3 nervous breakdowns because of what I went through. Instead of getting the help I needed to work through the trauma I was put on medications which made it worse. I became suicidal. I thought my children would be better off if I didn’t exist. In my families mind I didn’t exist already so I thought my kids would adjust and be happier with me being gone as well.
Everyone told me to seek God and I needed to go to church. I did try that I was labeled at church for what had happened to me yet again. I was told I needed to get over my pity party. Because at times I would just get overwhelmed with emotions and cry for no reason. I couldn’t help it. It got so bad that I stuffed my emotions I became to weigh 327 pounds and was dying from the inside out. I felt I didn’t belong in church. I couldn’t be in a place that was teaching love and then judge others and hated people if they weren’t Christian.
In 2011 I started having an awaking of who I really was. That I wasn’t alone and the answers to what I needed was inside me the entire time. Its been the most amazing journey for me. Because I honestly believe that the world keeps us down in the human form. I started accessing my consciousness with the help of my angels and guides and my life is completely turned around. It’s been a journey. A mind-blowing journey.
I want to give a voice to the voiceless. I want to give hope to the hopeless. I want them to know they are not alone. Until you have walked in their shoes you have no idea the trauma they have suffered and lived.
Therefore, I created my website. To empower people to let them know someone does care. I want to help them. Give them the tools they need to take their life back. No one should suffer at the hands of another. Jesus was about love and light. I’m about love and light.
I have an incredible story to tell. Which I’m writing that I will self-publish. A true story of courage and love with a happy ending. Giving women and men the power to take back what was taken from them. Giving them tools to love themselves again. In doing so become all that they are meant to be. If you like to help me with getting my book published, you can donate on my page so that I can get the ball rolling on getting it published.
Love & Light